Adventures in Motherhood

location: Home

mood: contemplative

Friday night marks the beginning of the Jewish sabbath.  Shabbat, as it is said in Hebrew, is supposed to be 25 hours of joy and rest.  It is a sanctuary in time, to paraphrase Abraham Joshua Heschel.  Shabbat comes with many blessings (and some might say, many responsibilities).  It is a time to be with family and friends, a time to enjoy good food, to acknowledge the good things in our lives.

Some people spend much of Shabbat at the synagogue.  Shabbat may have up to 5 services: evening - kabbalat shabbat and ma'ariv, morning - shacharit, the additional service immediately following shacharit - musaf, afternoon - mincha, and the separation of shabbat from the rest of the week - havdalla.  For the time being, I am not one to spend this beautiful day cooped up in synagogue.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy services.  I lead Friday night services once a month, as does Aaron.  I even started attending Saturday morning services in December for the first time in a long while.  Yet, Shabbat is a day to appreciate all of Creation, including those near and dear to us.  When neither Aaron nor I have commitments to lead services, here is how I like to spend Shabbat:

Friday night is a time of reconnecting, reestablishing our relationship, and reaffirming our family unity.  Sometime in the afternoon, Aaron takes Caleb grocery shopping where he picks up some kind of fish for dinner, challah (yummy egg bread), and usually broccoli in addition to anything else on the grocery list.  I use this free time often to prepare my lessons for Sunday morning since I don't like to work on Shabbat.  A few hours before sundown, the start of Shabbat, Aaron and I take turns preparing different parts of the meal.  He is in charge of the broccoli and baked potatoes.  I am in charge of the fish and usually setting the table (which is more like quickly straightening the table).  When dinner is nearly ready, we light our Shabbat candles, recite blessings over our son, recite kiddush over a glass of grape juice, and recite a blessing over bread.  I think rituals are powerful sources of stability and comfort.  I want to provide those things to my son, so the Friday night rituals are important to me.  We enjoy our dinner and try to take our time.  Often we catch up on our weeks or on what is coming up in the next week.  Sometimes we talk about family or friends.  Occasionally we invite friends over for Friday night dinner, but lately it's just been the three of us.  After dinner, we put Caleb to bed and spend our evening relaxing together.  Sometimes we play Scrabble or another game.  Occasionally we'll watch a movie.  Once in a while we retreat to our separate corners and read or do puzzles.

Saturday I like to go to services at Adath Shir Rinah, a new synagogue led by one of my professors.  Aaron sometimes comes with me and sometimes volunteers at Habitat for Humanity.  He alternates his volunteer work between Fridays and Saturdays.  I think doing a bit of tikkun olam (reparation of the world) on Shabbat is a good thing, even if it involves work.  After services, I like to relax - read, play with Caleb, maybe go for a walk as a family.  Sometimes Aaron and I will host a gathering of friends on Saturday evening to mark the end of Shabbat (havdalla).  These gatherings always involve good food and drink and lots of singing.

I know that my Shabbat observance is not a traditional one.  I will do things on Shabbat that more traditional Jews view as inappropriate or illegal according to Jewish law.  Examples of these things include driving, using the telephone, watching television, writing, using electricity, and much more.  Yet there are things I try not to do on Shabbat so that I make my own sense of sanctuary in time.  Although I will use my computer on Shabbat, I generally will not do work for which I am paid or which I find onerous on Shabbat.  So, I'll blog or read advice columns, but I won't read online news and I try not to do lesson planning on Shabbat.  Although I will drive on Shabbat, even very long distances, I prefer not to drive in order to do a chore such as going to the bank.  It's an inconsistent line to some, but it does work for me to help me be more aware of differences in time.

That all said, I've noticed that it is more difficult to find a sense of rest on Shabbat since becoming a mom.  On Shabbat, one is prohibited from doing work according to a strict understanding of Jewish law.  A mom's work is never done.  It's not like I get out of changing diapers, feeding my kid, or keeping him safe for 25 hours.  It's not like I want to give up that responsibility either.  I certainly need some time off from parenting, and I know I will look forward to overnight adventures for my boy when he is older (e.g., summer camp, sleepover parties, time with grandparents).  Still, I don't feel like I can take much time off these days - a few hours here and there, a morning or an afternoon, maybe an evening out with some friends or a date with just Aaron.  An entire day, including overnight?  I can't imagine doing that these days.  Even though my son sleeps through the night - no nighttime feedings or diaper changes - I don't feel right about giving myself 25 hours without my newest "job."

I've mentioned to a few people recently that I breathe differently now that I've given birth.  Most of the time, I don't breathe as fully as I did before becoming a parent.  I find myself not exhaling completely, even when I take in a lot of air.  I wonder how other Jewish moms who want a sense of Shabbat achieve it, if they do.  Do you struggle with finding quite time to appreciate Creation or with finding time to really rest?   Do you find time to really breathe?