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My Spunky Kid
location: Home
mood: 
sad
sadShortly after arriving at my friend's house, the moms began talking about how potty training was going. They all have daughters, so I'm sure that makes a difference in timing. However, we are not potty training Caleb in an active sense. He asks to use the toilet before his bath each night, and we let him. He usually pees then and that is that. I don't put him on the toilet without his asking; I do not put him in Pull-Ups or real underwear. I do not bribe him with candy or stickers. I sort of figure he is going to learn to use the toilet in due time, when he is ready. So when one of the moms asked me how potty training was going, my response was "What potty training?" Not because I don't know what potty training looks like for most people, but because I don't want to engage in that style of "training." I listened to my friends' struggles, how their daughters refused to sit on the toilet, how the bribes weren't working anymore. Who is being trained? Are their daughters any more successful at using the toilet? Does it matter? I mean, who really cares whether Little Sophie (made-up name) uses the toilet successfully 1, 3, or 6 months before Caleb figures it out?
The playgroup continued with kids playing and moms talking. Well, sort of. I saw that Caleb was a lost sheep. He wasn't interested in standing at the coffee table to play with the other kids. He wanted to move around a bit. He found a little red wagon and began moving it through the house. Except then the wagon got stuck, and then Caleb got frustrated. Caleb's frustrations often translate into screams, and this occasion was no different. I sat on the floor with him and tried to understand and give him choices. Eventually, I directed him to a different activity. With each activity he chose, I found myself needing to intervene for various reasons - he had reached something not intended for kids (the host's daughter is shorter); he was about to bang on or otherwise use something breakable; he was out of my line of sight and potentially getting into something that was meant to be off-limits. At some point, he had a toy hammer and wanted to bang the coffee table which was being used BOTH for kid play and for adult drinks (WTF?). I asked the host mom if she wanted him to hammer the table, and she offered a pillow. Fine, except he wanted to swing his hammer far and wide. In retrospect, he needed more space than what was being provided for kid space in this very large house. I suggested that Caleb use his hammer gently, that he fix me, to no avail. Instead, the hammer was taken away. The afternoon continued similarly with Caleb's appearing to be out of sync when in fact he was being Caleb and being pretty "good" (i.e., not pushing, grabbing, tantrumming).
During a snack, the host mom wiped Caleb's hands after he had eaten watermelon. Cool. He of course then splashed in the remaining watermelon juice on the counter. She snapped at him "I just cleaned you." Well, duh - take 2 seconds to clean him again if you care, and why do you need to snap at him? Clean the counter THEN the kid (duh, IMO). The same host mom seemed to think that Caleb would not try to eat the watermelon rind either and was put off when I asked for something to cut the melon with. Bear in mind that I can't actually eat melon and in fact get a gag reflex when handling it. I wasn't asking her to cut it either. But whatever, maybe she was joking about being put off?
After the snack, play continued. Caleb was again a bit of a lost sheep. He didn't know any of the kids well since he hadn't seen them in several months. I tried introducing him, tried suggesting ways to play with them, and no dice. He's just two, you know? It's not like he's figured out the finer points of social interaction yet. At some point, he took some of the pieces of a toy tea set and was cooking with them. Cool. Except that he didn't want to cook in the same room as the other kids. When he tried putting the things on the host mom's kitchen counters (logical, I will say), the host mom told him he had to bring the items back to the coffee table. Argh. At this point, I wanted to hunt for a play room, but I didn't say anything. Bad me. I really need to learn how to stand up for my kid. Caleb continued to play reasonably well around the others; I continued to play defense when he tried to use the breakable coasters (WTF again?).
Then I needed to change Ellie's diaper.
Caleb came over to where I was changing her diaper. I don't remember what lightweight plastic toy he had in his hands (maybe a teacup?), but he decided to toss it across the room. We were not in the room with all the people since there wasn't enough room in there to change a diaper comfortably AND I didn't feel like having an audience for a diaper change. In other words, he was not throwing this item at anyone on purpose, and we were far enough from the crowd that no one would have been hurt by the object. Nevertheless, the host mom whipped around and yelled at him to sit on her second step (we were by the stairs). She said something about the stairs being her daughter's time out spot. I was absolutely floored. Caleb looked shocked. I said something about how we didn't use time outs in a traditional sense (true) and how we used them in a very limited way and always with a warning first (also true). The host mom went on to explain how she uses this spot with all kids in her house, how her sister's kids all know this spot, how she is "the scary mom." I then said something about how Caleb would not be throwing anything else in her house and how we would leave if he did. She interpreted this to mean I agreed, but really I could not let her yell at my son again and put him in a time out. She approached him to "make up," and I asked him if he could give her elbows (his sign of affection). I regret this immensely. We should have left right then and there. Instead we stayed for dinner. Blech.
Later in the car, I told Caleb that I did not like the way the host mom had spoken to him. I told him that he could come to me anytime someone spoke to him and it made him sad or mad. I told him he could tell me if he didn't like the way I spoke to him. I feel like it wasn't enough. I really feel like I let him down, even though I don't think he feels let down. As I've written this all down and spoken with a few friends and Aaron about it, I think I've decided not to revisit the issue with the host mom. I think I will not return to her house, though I may invite her to our house. Maybe seeing how we do things at home will have an impression? In any case, I don't think the invite will be soon in coming.
satisfied
