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Another Reason for Moving Mania
location: Home
mood: 
calm
calmThis morning while Caleb was supposed to be napping (and he still should be, but seems to think singing is a better option), I took my morning shower with the lights off because it's just too darn hot and sticky. While I was happily rinsing of sweat and sleep, a thought popped into my head about moving. I say that it popped because it isn't as though I was actively and consciously thinking about moving. If I was thinking about anything, I was thinking that I needed to be careful shaving. :) Anyway, so this thought comes into my head:
I'm nervous about moving because we don't HAVE to move. We're choosing to move.
This thought surprised me, so I let myself think about it some more. Here's what I figured out. I have convinced myself that every move until this move has been because we had to move. We graduated college and had to move closer to our jobs (or in Aaron's case, to an airport). After we both burned out of our first jobs and Aaron found better work, we had to move to Chicago to be near new jobs. When Aaron burned out of travel, we had to leave Chicago so that he could take a job that wouldn't require traveling. After living in a corporate apartment for one month, we had to move so that we wouldn't be burdened with paying $3,000 for rent. And when we moved from our apartment 2 doors down the street, we weren't moving far and it was a financial improvement (home ownership vs. renting).
I haven't found a way to convince myself that our upcoming move is NECESSARY. Desired? Certainly on most days. But necessary? Not really, or at least not yet.
I have a hard time making life-altering decisions based on a want rather than on a need. And yes, moving 15 miles west of our current house is life-altering. Not in the same way that moving from Chicago to Boston is life-altering, but my life will be different when we move to the Boston 'burbs. Our closest friends do not live in the same town or even the next town over, so we likely will see them less often. We will not be able to order from the same take-out restaurants, and we won't go to the same grocery stores. We will take Caleb to different play places, and he will actually be able to play in a fenced-in yard. Life will be different and not because it needs to be. But because we are choosing to make it different.
Why are we choosing to make it different? We are not unhappy in Watertown. True, I do not like sharing a driveway with tenants, and I do not like living on a second floor (esp. in the summer). And it is true that I would like to have a nicer garage and a yard that my kid could play in without my needing to keep him out of the street. Yes, I want a second toilet/bathroom, and yes, I want more space/different floor plan. These are not needs though.
I think I feel selfish for this move. I feel like I'm doing it for superficial wants rather than a "good reason," and I feel like I'm going to have to pay some sort of price for it. I suppose I fear losing connection with my friends most, and that I fear losing connection with them will be the price. Maybe because I keep waiting for the bill to arrive - the emotional bill that I have to pay for this move - maybe that's why I keep worrying about not fitting in and not getting my work done. I feel like something will have to give in order for me to be allowed to make this move.
I just heard myself think, "This is not rational." And no, it isn't. Feelings often are not, but at least I know another piece of this anxiety puzzle. At least I have some clue about why this move is eating at me.
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