Yesterday Ellie emptied half a family size of conditioner in her room and mine. I managed to clean it up with her and without slipping in my cast. I told her that soap and conditioner stay in the bathroom and I closed the bathroom door.
This morning I woke up to find that Caleb had joined the "fun". Both kids were in some state of naked and her floor was covered in shampoo and conditioner. Her cheap doll from target and her nice pattern blocks also fell victim. I couldn't clean it up because I kept slipping with my cast and I couldn't spend so much time on my knees since that position remains a bit painful.
I gave the kids wet and dry towels and told them to clean it up. I know I should laugh, but I am furious. The mess was too much. Too wasteful. Too early (before 8am). The floor looks fine now and at least both kids are dressed without a fight. The room smells like an old school Strawberry Shortcake doll, not strawberry herself but one of the pals. I suppose I should be thankful it was shampoo and conditioner and not something truly gross requiring disinfectant.
What a way to start the day.
- I know I should laugh BUT
-
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.6)
ashiralynn- July 29th, 2011
aggravated
- A New Developmental Milestone
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- ashiralynn
- July 13th, 2011
amused
When you first have a child, you track all the milestones - first smile, teeth, sitting up, crawling, walking, words. You make sure to remember which table foods the kid really liked as a baby even though this may have absolutely no relation to what the child will eat as a toddler or preschooler. After some time, the milestones happen less frequently and maybe you don't track them as well as you used to. Today's adventure showed me that Caleb still reaches milestones, but his milestones may not be the most traditional ones.
For some background, Ellie has been stubborn about learning to use the toilet. Everyone told me girls are easier to train. Yeah whatever. She took to peeing in her room, sometimes splashing in it after for fun (ew). The fun didn't stop with pee, but I'll spare you the details. The results of the additional "fun" involved toys being thrown out, a lot of laundry and disinfecting her floor and walls. After trying some logical approaches to ending this undesirable behavior, I went for the good ol' fashioned "if you do yucky behavior I will do yucky consequence which is not at all related to the behavior but very unpleasant to you." I told her I would take away her new balance bike (aka "my motorcycle!!") if she peed or defecated on the floor anymore.
Caleb knew this if/then statement.
This morning, Caleb told me that Ellie peed on her chair. Upon viewing the scene of the "crime" I noticed that Ellie was fully clothed and the puddle had some obvious marks which made me think that a girl could not have made the puddle. This moment reminded me of blood spatter analysis on CSI, by the way. Caleb quickly told me that Ellie had gotten herself dressed after peeing. Upon examining Ellie's body, it was obvious she had not peed. With much prodding (i.e., under some duress), Caleb fessed up.
His motive: make me take away Ellie's bike.
Where is the developmental milestone?
Look at the planning and execution!! He premeditated the act of framing his sister. There is logic going on there that didn't exist a few months ago. OK, he clearly ignored thinking about consequences to himself if he were caught as he was. However, he planned a way to get something he thought he wanted (removal of bike), did said action without his sister ratting on him, and managed to think quick on his feet when I questioned the evidence (telling me she dressed herself - possible but not likely). Sure, I have a chair needing dry cleaning and a lot of teaching about kindness to cover, but I really can see some new intelligence here.
Yes, I really am that crazy.
- One of THOSE days
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- ashiralynn
- May 31st, 2011
exhausted
The days are long but the years are short.
One of my mantras. Something to keep me breathing when I think I might just lose it for real and go running down the street, screaming like a banshee.
Today is one of THOSE days. If you're a parent, you probably have a sense of what I mean. We all have THOSE days - the days when you wonder what has come over your children (and you), the days when you just want a do-over and a very large something to drink (Starbucks, something stronger, etc.). When you look back over the day, you're not even sure what the big deal was maybe, but you know you felt on edge and irritated with all sorts of nonsense. If you grew up in the '80s, you might start fantasizing about a relaxing bubble bath thanks to the Calgon commercials ("Calgon, take me away!").
Why is today "one of THOSE days?" The cumulative effect of age-appropriate insanity-inducing behavior.
Although I was mostly awake by 7am, I still had not showered by 9am. However, both my kids were in daytime clothes and had fought several times. I had cleaned up a massive flood in the kitchen and family room thanks to Caleb's giving Ellie a variety of cups and containers. Caleb assisted grumpily with the clean up ("But I didn't pour the water!!") since he had been such an excellent accomplice. Ellie cleaned up in the kitchen, and I went back over it. I confiscated cups and sent the kids back upstairs. I separated them to avoid more fighting and removed the dollhouse from Ellie's room to prevent rough play from breaking it. Somehow the rough play happens when no one is looking.
In addition to the flood, Ellie got into a cycle of self-maiming. I really thought that was a middle school or high school behavior? Anyway, I saw her throw herself on the floor or intentionally jump on her bed in a way that was sure to land part of her on a hard part of the bed. Each injury brought dramatic, end-of-the-world tears and further delay to my shower.
Have I mentioned that my morning shower is an essential part of the day?
Morning shower for me = Morning coffee for others.
Finally all of us were dressed, fed and not screaming before 9:30 when we absolutely had to leave to get to Ellie's gymnastics class. We had the usual chaos of getting out of the house, meaning I had to go back in several times for myself - only once for the kids! On the way there, Caleb declared he wanted to read a book during Ellie's class rather than go to the playroom, so I wouldn't get my hoped-for 25 minute break unless I put up an argument. And I can't bring myself to say no to reading.
We miraculously arrived on time to the Y for gymnastics only to have Ellie put up a fight about her "gymnastics hair." I was ready to leave after she cried about throwing herself to the hard gym floor. She ended up a tad bit late to gymnastics since the hair took longer than usual ("Mommy it's time for me to go!!"). Shockingly, she had a great class. Reading to Caleb was fun. More whining as we left the Y - need water, need food, want junk from machine (yes, they call it junk), just lots of want want want. Then when we got to the car and I mentioned I had wanted to go to Savers for more summer clothes for them, their tune changed - Savers!!! YAY!!!
The trip to Savers was the best part of the morning, even with the constant reminders to stay near or not touch/grab this and that. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this store. It's a second-hand store, like a Goodwill or Salvation Army. They have great prices and loads of stuff. I ended up with tons of shirts and a few bottoms or dresses for Ellie, some shirts and 2 pairs of shorts for Caleb, and 2 dresses for me plus a Connect 4 game (called something else but same game) for $55. Huzzah!
That brought us into the lunch chaos. First they wanted pasta, but they changed their minds by the time we got home. BUT they didn't tell me until after I figured out what kinds of pasta I could make. Then Caleb wanted PB&J on bagel but Ellie wanted tortellini which we didn't have. Then there was combined sadness about the lack of tortellini and how they might starve and such. I was irritated enough not to want to make my own dear children lunch of any kind. I thought they would just complain and gripe about it. Don't know why I thought that...
They both happily ate their food until the spitting began, encouraged by Caleb and executed by Ellie. Masticated cucumber slices and orange on my dirt magnet floor. Yuckity Ugh! During lunch, Ellie informed me she ate part of a rubber/plastic spatula. *sigh* She swears it didn't happen today? Do I take her to the doc? I talked with Aaron who helped me be rational when I didn't feel very rational. Since Ellie is acting her normal pesky self and eating fine, we're skipping the ER visit for now.
The spitting led to immediate quiet time. Which is not quiet. Ellie is making all sorts of mischief (of one kind and another, as the story goes); Caleb *might* be sleeping though I think he is resting. And me? Ranting here where few will read but I may feel a sense of relief. *smirk*
- Ellie Turns Three Tomorrow
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- ashiralynn
- May 23rd, 2011
pensive
Dear Ellie,
Everyone said that the years would be short and would fly right by. It's so cliché, but it really is true. I hardly can believe it has been 3 years since you came into this world.
You have a quirky sense of humor and love to make people laugh. I'm not sure you know you will make people laugh, but you love it when they do and will repeat your "joke" as long as it gets a reaction and then some. You're playful and mischievous in a comedic fashion. You often ask permission to do something that might be considered naughty, like when you asked Caleb if you could pee behind his chair. You ask why we don't let you play with the Desitin anymore, and you giggle and smirk when I tell you the story of how you made a HUGE mess with it. Although the cleaning is not so much fun, we do find your antics amusing.
You enjoy pretend play, especially making different foods for us in the toy kitchen or drawing them on your new Doodle Pro (thanks Grandma Linda!). You enjoy playing with toy dinosaurs and a yellow lizard. I watch you lining them up, pretending that they are eating or traveling somewhere. Sometimes the dinosaurs become food for some other activity; sometimes they are money; sometimes they are just something to put into a container of some shape or another. You're really hoping to get a red scooter for your birthday, and I think Grandpa Mike and Grandma Judy may send you one. You also love riding your red tricycle, and you talk about riding a 2 wheel bike when you are bigger.
Some days you have classes at the YMCA, and other days are lazy days. Even the lazy days have some fun though - playgrounds, the library, outside time when it isn't too cold or rainy. You love your classes at the YMCA. Right now, you take a gymnastics class and an enrichment class about different countries ("travel class"), but you've also taken some dance, music, and other enrichment classes about art or letters or having fun with messy stuff. I'm still trying to figure out what you like, who you really are as "just you."
You are growing very fast, even if you look about the same size to me. You speak very clearly, and you're showing more coordination every day. You recently have entered the world of truly unpleasant tantrums, so we try to give you the space and breaks you need to calm down. Tantrums are frustrating and hard for all of us, even for your brother, but we know we will get through them eventually. Even though the tantrums are rather lousy, we often find ourselves joking about them later because you do get quite irrational and almost silly during them. You of course don't feel very silly at all, and we do take you pretty seriously in the moment. The tantrums are just a small part of the picture of you though. Most of the time, you're quite charming and loads of fun.
Speaking of fun, this summer you will take swimming lessons at Dug Pond, assuming that summer comes! It has been a very rainy and cold spring this year. You seem very excited about the swimming lessons. You do love water and wet stuff these days. You managed to add enough water to our liquid soap that all of it is rather runny, but it still cleans us. You can't resist unwinding the garden hose either, and we have to make sure you don't wash the kitchen towels when we ask you to wash your hands. As far as messes go, water and soap really aren't so bad. :) Back to swimming, I'm excited for you to start to learn this new skill.
This fall you will start preschool at the YMCA. You're already very familiar with the preschool since you come with me for most of Caleb's drop offs and pick ups. I think you will enjoy preschool, and I know it will be a big change from being with me most of the time. Still I see how much you want to stay to play when we drop off Caleb, so I do think it is time for you to spread your wings a bit.
I love being your mom. I love seeing how you change over time, and I love remembering how you were when you were younger. I'm delighted that I get to watch you grow up and am looking forward to continuing to get to know you.
Happy Birthday Ellie!
Mom
- Caleb's Big Adventure
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- ashiralynn
- May 12th, 2011
anxious
Tomorrow morning Caleb will embark on a big adventure. He and Aaron are going to Wisconsin for a Father Son retreat at the summer camp Aaron went to as a teenager and very young adult. The adventure will be even more exciting because Aaron's father (aka "Grandpa Mike") will be going with them. Mike served as faculty at the camp for several summers and has taken members of his congregation there for retreats many times. The big boys all have very fond memories with this camp, and I'm very excited that Aaron is passing along the traditions to Caleb.
And yet, I am very nervous too!
This will be Caleb's first trip away from me. Yes, he will be will Aaron and Mike, so he is in extraordinarily capable and loving hands.
The program is for kids ages 5-12. What if he is the only 5 year old? Yes, he loves older kids, but I want him to feel included and to make friends, even if they aren't long lasting ones.
What if he doesn't like it there? Yes, I know it's only for a few days, and anyone can do anything for a few days.
This also will be the first time that Ellie is apart from Aaron and Caleb for more than a day. I think she will enjoy the undivided attention. I worry that she will be lonely or miss them a lot. I know it will pass.
My weekend will be busy even without my boys here. Tomorrow Ellie has her class, and I need to finish my lesson plans for Sunday. I *think* I have plans with my neighbor for Saturday, but if those don't happen, then Ellie and I can go to the farmers' market and the Children's Museum. On Sunday, Ellie will be spending the morning and early afternoon with my neighbors so that I can teach my final classes of the year. Monday is when Ellie has time with her babysitter, but I may end up cancelling/rescheduling so that she and I can enjoy that last day together. I get tired just thinking about all the things that will be happening over the next four days, and I didn't even think about taking care of the garden!
Tangent - the garden needs tending. The strawberries have begun to flower which means they need protection from birds and critters. The raised beds need more weeding and additional planting. The peas need protection from critters as well. I need to figure out how to save the apple tree from the critter eating its leaves. Do you note a theme here? Much critter. Grf to the critter. I wish I could say that the critters are cute, but bugs eating my trees' leaves are NOT cute.
OK, back to the big adventure. I think I need to make sure Aaron calls me once a day to fill me in on the adventure. And he absolutely must take pictures. Yes, that will make me feel much better!
- Happy Mothers' Day?
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- ashiralynn
- May 8th, 2011
- tired
Today was Mothers' Day. Caleb made a card for me at preschool this week. I don't make a big deal about Mothers' Day, so the card was a nice surprise. Then Mothers' Day arrived, and though Mothers' Day is not a big deal to me, I apparently think certain things should or should not happen on Mothers' Day.
Things Which Should NOT Happen on Mothers' Day
- Mothers who have jobs outside of the home should not have to go to work outside of the home.
- Mothers should not have to clean or cook unless they will derive pleasure from these activities.
- Mothers should not be injured or yelled at.
Things Which Should Happen on Mothers' Day- Mothers should have some substantial time for the activity of their choosing
- Mothers should receive some kind of appreciation for their hard work. This might be a gift, a special meal, or something similar.
- Mothers should have happy and positive experiences with their families.
Sometime after waking up, I began to print the materials I needed for my teaching job. The children played and got into mischief of one kind or another. I overheard Caleb in the bathroom saying "righty tighty, lefty loosey." I thought this was odd, but Caleb has a tendency to think aloud and babble whatever goes through his brain. I asked what he was up to and his answer reminded me not to ask questions I don't want to know the answers to (ugh to my grammar!). After I printed my materials, I continued my usual morning routine - put in contact lenses, take shower, etc.
Wait - put in contact lenses. This assumes that there isn't hand soap IN my contact lens case. Yeah, I discovered the soap situation and the likely cause for Caleb to say "righty tighty" while using the toilet. Unfortunately I discovered this by putting my contact lens IN my eye. I cannot begin to describe the pain. Soap in the eye is extraordinarily painful, but adding the contact lens to hold the soap in place and rub it on one's eye adds a new level of torture. I practically ripped the lens out of my eye and furiously tried to clean it. I ended up opening a new pair of lenses after my cleaning efforts failed.
After ranting and raging at both kids, who both claimed some degree of innocence, I flushed the toilet since Caleb can't seem to find the lever and continued to get ready for my out-of-the-house job.
On my way to work, Aaron texted me about funny happenings in the house, including Ellie's sitting on the kitchen counter eating grape tomatoes. Why was she on the counter? So Aaron would not have to hold her while trying to make pancakes. OK. Fine. Not my problem today.
At work, I informed my teaching assistant that I would again be "subbing" for another teacher while teaching my own class. That is, I teach 6th and 7th grade and would be adding another teacher's students to my class. In my 6th grade class, I had to begin a letter to 4 students' parents because the students could not come up with a real-life problem to be solved by a real human hero. I gave an example of a person solving world hunger. My TA gave an example of someone working against genocide. The students kept bringing up their imagined superhero whose only notable superpower was saying "HAHA!" (with a guttural CH/H like in Bach) but not to improve the world in any significant way. In my 7th grade class, I had a student write an obscenity starting with F and rhyming with "truck" on another student's work. The project was to design a monument to remember a person or event which was personally significant. Now, I'm a frequent user of colorful language and can appreciate a well-placed expletive. Defacing another student's work in a pseudo-religious school environment just isn't the time or place. My stomach still gets in knots about it.
Work got significantly better after the break. My high school students treated me to amusing presentations and a rousing discussion of weird Bible stories. During 4th and FINAL period, I held a colleague's very itty bitty baby for nearly the whole class and he fell asleep in my arms. Aw. :) No more babies coming from me, but I did enjoy me some snuggly baby cuddles.
My time home before dinner was reasonably relaxing, and Aaron was a super husband and dad for taking over dinner and continuing to wrangle the kidlets while I enjoyed mostly watching the kids and chatting with my friend. Dinner was a bit noisy but fairly normal.
Ellie decided she was done some time after her bath. She fell into a screaming fit about who knows what exactly after I had taken her out of the bath but before I had managed to get her in pajamas. I handed her to Aaron at arm's length after miraculously getting pajamas on. He had an equally if not more difficult time with her as he tried to brush her teeth. He gave up and left her in her room while I tried to read Caleb a bedtime story. After the story, I knew there was no way to sing a song over her screaming, so I delayed Caleb's song and snuggle to help Ellie calm down. Her complaints were numerous:
"I have snot!"
"I need a hug!"
"My feet are cold!"
"Da--ddy!!"
"I need to spit!"
The logical solutions were rejected initially and continued to be rejected for several minutes but then requested immediately after the rejection. For example:"I have snot!!"
"Here's a tissue to blow your nose."
"NOOOOO!!!"
"Ok."
"I need a tissue!!"
Eventually the cycle of insanity ended when Ellie let me carry her to the bathroom so she could spit. I managed to persuade her to give the socks another try after the spitting and the tissue soon followed that. She was still pretty unstable through Caleb's song and bedtime, but the ear-splitting screaming had ended.
Yes, I know she was overtired. Yes, I know we didn't cause her meltdown directly. Yet we pay the price.
So Mothers' Day. It is done. As the bedtime song tonight said, "tomorrow's gonna be another day. we're gonna have a good time. no one's gonna take that time away. you can stay as long as you like."
Now for some ice cream, deep breathing and a good book.
- 5 years old
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- ashiralynn
- March 26th, 2011
- nostalgic
Caleb is 5 years and 2 days old today. Today was the birthday party celebrating his turning 5. I feel like I should be able to write something meaningful, significant, emotionally moving about his turning 5. Instead, I sit amazed at the fact that I am the mom of a 5 year old. Some memories of me and Caleb from the past 5 years really do feel as though they just happened yesterday, while other memories are blurry or buried somewhere. That observation doesn't feel particularly meaningful to me, but it's an honest observation so I'm sharing it. As I have said and written before, the days are long but the years are short.
Perhaps instead of focusing on the past 5 years, I will follow in the footsteps of some moms I admire and write a bit about what Caleb is like at age 5. Maybe he will read this blog one day and be interested in knowing what he was like. I know I don't remember what I was like at 5, and I wish I had a clearer picture of me as a child.
Dear Caleb,
You are an energetic and passionate boy. At your 5 year doctor check up, Dr. Slater watched you bounce and climb around the very small exam room and declared "high energy" as though it were some kind of diagnosis. All I thought was "This is what I've said for 5 years." Your energy is nearly endless, and it can be catching. When we visited Kennedy Space Center a few weeks ago, you and I ran the length of the Saturn V rocket simply because you started running in excitement from seeing the enormous rocket.
You feel things passionately and fully. This is a blessing and a curse. When you are happy, you're REALLY happy. When you're sad or angry, you're REALLY sad or angry. It is hard for me to be with you when you are sad or angry because I just want to fix it, make you feel all better. At the same time, I want you to be able to express however you're feeling. I have great hopes that you will find positive ways to express yourself and get support and help when you need it. I'm seeing glimmers of that already.
You are wonderfully curious and seem so very smart to many people, including to me and your father. When you ask questions, you don't want the quick and easy answer. You want the FULL answer. When the full answer is quick and easy, you still want more information. Often I don't have full answers or all the information, and this frustrates you. Yet your curiosity does not cease, and I am glad for it. I want you to seek, ask, inquire, and explore. You have lots of great ideas about how to make things work and how the world should work. You have a great vocabulary, and you still use your full body to explain how something mechanical happens.
You are interested in what words say and how to write letters and words. You have become interested in making reports, especially about the fire on the Apollo 1 mission but about anything really. You often ask us how to spell words and what different signs say. You try to figure out signs which have symbols only, and you're often right or really close.
You still love space, building, and anything where you can move your body. You have taken gymnastics, soccer, swimming, and mixed sports classes at the YMCA. Most of your swimming lessons have been at Dug Pond, which we look forward to doing again this summer. You took more ice skating classes this winter, and you're excited to have your bike back out after a very long winter. You build with Zoob blocks and anything else you think will do the job. As for space, you were so excited at the space center that I wanted to bottle up that energy for later.
Yes, we have our challenges, difficult moments and days. You have an intense temper and are trying to figure out how to express it. Your fuse is longer than it used to be, but it's still pretty short. That is, it doesn't take much to set you off. We're all getting better at managing the hard times. You don't know it, but you're teaching me to be more flexible and patient. When I take time to reflect on our fights, I can see something positive from the experience. You're learning how to express yourself; you're learning how to stand up for your position and how to listen to someone else. The passion I see in those challenging times certainly will help you as you get older, though none of us know how YET. I suppose it is better to have a strong opinion than none at all. :)
Looking ahead, kindergarten is large on the horizon. I don't say it looms because that sounds so negative, and I don't think any of us feel bad about kindergarten. I think we all have mixed feelings about your starting school. It's exciting! There will be new fun things to do, new people to meet. You'll be able to walk to school or maybe ride your bike. And it is a bit scary for you and sad for me. I'm not exactly sure what you're scared about, but I think you're worried you might not do well in kindergarten or that you might not be ready. Maybe it feels like a big deal, which it sort of is and isn't. I get a bit sad because you're growing up, which can only mean you're not a baby anymore. I'm excited to watch you grow up and see who you become, and I miss (some of) the baby days. For me, the excitement definitely outweighs the sad. Your school looks like it will be great, and I think you'll have lots of opportunities to explore and really blossom there.
As usual, I've stayed up too late, so I'll wrap this up for now. I thank you Caleb for the past 5 years. My life is fuller and richer with you.
Love,
Mom
- Bullying
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- ashiralynn
- March 14th, 2011
- sad
When Caleb was younger, maybe between 18 mos. and 2.5 years old, I was worried he would become a bully. He used to commit what we named "the face mask penalty" whenever another toddler would come into what he thought was his space. He would grab the other child's cheek and twist it - hard. This was a mortifying experience every time, and I can remember thinking that I wouldn't be able to take him anywhere or that he was going to grow up to become some kind of sociopath.
Obviously the jury's still out on what Caleb will grow up to become. He will be 5 at the end of this month, so there's plenty of time for change and growth. That said, I feel much more confident that I am not raising a most wanted candidate. Sure, he gets frustrated and screams at people. Yes, he bosses others around. However, I know he doesn't tend to initiate conflicts, and he doesn't generally use physical force to get his point across (grabbing from Ellie aside).
Not too long ago, I read an article about bullying happening as young as kindergarten or earlier. The school I teach at had run an upstander (anti-bullying) program. Bullying seems to be a hot topic these days. Yet I didn't feel like I was seeing much of it. I figured my kids must not be exposed to it yet - maybe they were too young.
Wrong. Oh so very wrong.
A few weeks back, I was asked to sign an incident report because another kid had scratched Caleb. I asked for more details about the incident. Did Caleb initiate or exacerbate it? How did he respond to being hurt? The scratches were quite minimal, despite being on his face. Caleb told me on the way home who did it and how he didn't want to invite this kid to his birthday party. Fair enough.
On Friday, I went to his parent-teacher conference, and the topic of rough kids came up. Again, Caleb was not identified as a rough kid. What a relief! The teacher let me know that Caleb had witnessed some pretty violent behavior from one kid to another, the same kid who had scratched Caleb earlier. The teacher didn't say the kid's name, but we acknowledged that we both knew who was being discussed. Caleb reenacted what he saw later that night when I asked him what he saw.
Caleb: OK, so if I'm N and this is the wall. And you're A.
Me: I don't want to be A.
Caleb: Yeah, well just sit in front of me.
Me: OK.
Caleb: So A shoved N like this. (he took my hand and pushed himself against a wall). Then he pushed N like this. (he moved my other hand to his forehead)
Me: I don't want to hurt you.
Caleb: OK. So... (he took his own hand and started to move his head back and forth against the wall).
Me: Please stop.
Caleb: A didn't stop.
Me: OK, but what else happened?
Caleb: Before the teacher came, A scratched N. (he traced his finger on his cheek from his eye down to his jawbone and then again on his neck)
Me: Where did he scratch?
Caleb: Here - the cheek and on his NECK!
Me: Wow. How did you feel?
Caleb: Sad.
Me: Why?
Caleb: Because A hurt N and N was sad.
We continued to talk about what Caleb could do to protect himself, what he could say to A and N, how N would really need a friend. Caleb again said that he did NOT want A at his birthday party. Interestingly, he did not want N at his party a few weeks ago. Now he wants N to come, but not A.
Today I saw N when I dropped Caleb at school. The scratch was pretty bad. The kid was terrified to enter his classroom. His parents looked scared too. The director told N that she wasn't going to let A hurt him and tried to reassure him. How can she promise not to let it happen when it already did? She was coming from the right place, but I don't know that she was making a reasonable promise. I was scared to let Caleb stay at school, but I saw the director remove A from the classroom. When she brought A back to the classroom, she forced him to apologize. I'm not sure the forced apology did any good whatsoever. As soon as A started playing, he accused Caleb and another kid of breaking things that A was making. I saw that A hadn't made anything and Caleb and the other kid weren't interacting with A until that accusation. A was removed from the situation before I left the classroom.
I saw N's parents outside of the director's office on my way out. I told them that I was really sorry about what had happened. I told them I was Caleb's mom and that my kid had been scratched too. I told them I didn't know how they must feel and that their boy was a sweet boy. The father thanked me. I turned away quickly because I didn't want to cry in front of them.
I thought I had more time before encountering these situations. Anyone else go through this and want to share?
- The Roller Coaster of Motherhood
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- ashiralynn
- March 6th, 2011
- pensive
I want to share the emotional experience of being a mother to young children. I realize my experience is unique - my kids are not anyone else; I'm just me; the way we interact is our relationship - and therefore does not represent what mothers everywhere experience. Yet parenting is one of the great equalizers in life. No matter who you are or who your kids are, you will have similar experiences and similar feelings to other parents, even after you swore you wouldn't do or feel the way some other parent did or felt. One of my closest friends shared with me that his wife missed adult conversation. This woman had encouraged me to have adult time, was at times adamant that I not allow myself to get overwhelmed by being a mom. She insisted to me that adult time, without my dear children, was crucial to my sanity. She is right, at least in my case, and now she misses the same thing I missed (and still do at times!). It isn't helpful to encourage her to find adult conversation or to read novels, even though she needs to do both. She is going through what seems to be a universal experience of parenting - sleep deprivation to the point that you think you might have lost yourself (hopefully temporarily). Only as you come out of that tunnel do you begin to revisit those things which were shelved while you became overwhelmed by being a mom. What I'm saying in a rather roundabout way is that I do believe all parents go through a lot of the same feelings and experiences simply by becoming and being a parent.
At the end of this month, I will have been a parent for 5 years. That is longer than I have held any paying job. In the past 5 years, I often have felt like I'm the only parent going through whatever crazy thing happening in my family unit. And in a way, I was the only parent going through that crazy thing. After all, my experience with Caleb and Ellie will be different from any other person's experience with my kids or with other kids. But that isn't what I felt. Rather, I have felt all too often in the past 5 years that I am screwing things up - small things, huge things, and lots of things in between. I felt like any negative experiences I was having were my own darn fault. Illogically, I didn't feel that the positive experiences were my doing whatsoever. Positive experiences were just random good luck, planetary alignment or something like that.
What I'm slowly coming to realize, or at least consider, is that my role in the quality of the experience is much smaller than I may have realized. That is, my kids' moods are not so dependent on my behavior, with at least one notable exception. When I am overtly grumpy, they will join in and amplify my grumpiness. Otherwise, I can be having a great day with grumpy kids, horrible day with happy kids, and anything in between. Here I was thinking that I was in charge of the ride when in fact, the kids are driving the emotional roller coaster at least as much and more often than I am.
Last week I was snuggling with Caleb in his papasan chair before bedtime. I was enjoying the feeling of us nuzzled together, feeling his breathing, appreciating that he still wants to cuddle and have stories. Then he asked me "Why don't you ever comfort me?"
WTF???
Immediately, I could see and remember all the times that I've picked him up when he has fallen, promised him that things would get better, that we will fix it. I thought of all the stories I read to him after he had some emotional breakdown because somehow the act of cuddling for a story brought him back to us. I thought about how I always ask how his day is, and specifically if there is anything good or bad he wants to tell me. How many times have I gone out of my way to keep an awkwardly placed scrape out of the bath so that it doesn't sting? How many times have I listened to his bad dreams and taken those dreams and concerns seriously? All of this and more flooded me and I could hardly respond. His question broke my heart a bit, and I simply didn't understand how he could feel that way. Somehow I managed to ask what he meant. He managed to tell me that I didn't comfort him when I send him to his room. And then I smiled softly. I send him to his room when I'm too upset to solve a problem in the moment. I send him to his room when he has hurt someone. So I comfort the one who is hurt and I calm myself down before I can go to him. Is he old enough at not-yet-five to understand that? I don't know, and I doubt it. Yet I explained it to him and silently resolved to be a bit quicker at tending to him in those breach moments.
The next day felt like any other day. Lots of cuddles, hugs, and silly play. Plenty of stories and hopefully some comfort. We had several "good" days after that conversation, maybe a few arguments, but nothing that really stands out. Then we had another one of "THOSE" mornings. You'll recognize the morning if you're a mom. It's that morning when no matter what you say or do, what you don't say or don't do, you're going to be yelled at with the full fury of your child. You can stay calm and the yelling continues. You can snap back, and the yelling intensifies and the child tells you not to yell. You can ignore it all and the child yells at you to answer RIGHT NOW. You're screwed no matter what.
The only new thing for me in this particular morning was a change in Caleb's tone. He sounded downright hateful. There was an anger I hadn't heard before coming from him, as though he was disgusted with being anywhere near me. I really thought I had a few more years before that attitude came into the house. I even found myself saying to him, "You must really hate me this morning to talk to me with that tone." As if saying that was going to fix anything - NOT. I tried a more mature and what I thought was a more direct approach - "You sound angry. Are you mad at me?" The resounding YES was not followed with any explanation even when I said "What are you angry about?" Instead, I was told "You KNOW what I'm mad about!!!' Well, if I knew, I don't think I would have asked. I wondered how we went from evening snuggles to morning struggles. I wondered whether I had missed a magic window for getting food into the kids and had doomed us to overhungry grumpiness, and I knew food wasn't the issue. I even gave his pre-K teachers a heads up because I just didn't understand any of it.
Long after the storm blew over - maybe at bedtime, maybe the next day - I brought it up to Caleb and asked what happened. He was angry about shortened snuggles in the morning when he had chosen to play with his toys instead of coming into our room for a snuggle (yes, I invited him!). I asked him what he wanted for morning snuggles, and we came up with a duration of morning snuggles based on what we had planned for the day (school day = shorter snuggle). That seems to have brought us another peaceful spell.
And that brings me to today, again my son wanted my attention for this, that, and the other thing. Come look at my train track; look at this picture; I built a rest house for the trains. Would you read this to me? And in the morning, he was all cheerful and wishing me luck as I went to work, big hugs and smiles.
I feel like I'm on the backward side of the Racer roller coaster from Kings' Island, near my hometown. The Racer has a forward track and a backward track. I never liked the backward track much, and my dad always tried to persuade me to go on it. As the description implies, you ride backwards, which means you can't see ANYTHING of where you are going. You know when you are going up a hill, and obviously you know when you are going down, but it isn't obvious when you will get to the top or the bottom and you can't anticipate the curves at all.
Parenting feels like that to me. I know there will be ups and downs. I know that my ups and downs are not that much different than what anyone else goes through. Some people might be on the forward track of the coaster, better able to predict the ups and downs. But I think most of us are riding the backward track, appreciating those deep breaths in between the ups, downs, and quick turns. Yes, parenting is a roller coaster. As Mary Steenburger said in the movie Parenthood, I happen to LIKE the roller coaster.
- Desitin Devastation
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- ashiralynn
- March 1st, 2011
- tired
Yesterday Ellie and I went to Target for 3 things:- Baby wipes
- Comb(s) for Caleb
- "Butt paste" - diaper rash cream
The picture quality here is horrible, but it's the best I could do with a dead camera battery. I had to use my computer webcam because I couldn't find my phone either. Oy. Anyway...
What you should be able to see here is:
Ellie standing in her disaster zone: Butt paste on her, on clothing, on blanket, on floor, on socks she took out of her dresser for unknown reason but probably to have another place to put said butt paste, and butt paste on Bo the beanie baby of the Obama presidential dog (Sorry Mr. President!). PLUS, she emptied the wipes box and managed to get Desitin in her thin wispy hair.
Amazingly, she did this with no unusual "quiet time" sounds. I heard her playing, but nothing tripped my "uh-oh" Mommy sense. She seemed quite pleased with herself until I gave her a bath and had to wash her hair 3 times to get most of the butt paste out of her hair. Her skin still felt like butt paste after scrubbing several times. And she smelled of butt paste even after her evening bath.
Caleb looked at her room and asked why there was butt paste on the floor. I asked who he thought put it there. He didn't even know how to answer. I gave him a choice: Did I do it or did Ellie do it? Then he asked why Ellie did it. I suggested he ask his sister who was in the bath. Instead he said "Stupid mess."
Smart kid.
